The Funniest Marriage Tweets To Get You Through This Week

Marriage is full of highs, lows and a whole bunch of ordinary moments in between. Somehow the married people on X, formerly known as Twitter, continue to find humor in the minutiae of wedded life.
Every week, we round up the funniest marriage tweets on the platform. Read on for 20 relatable ones that will have you laughing in agreement.
Me *watching HOW TO LOSE A GUY IN 10 DAYS*My husband: why are you taking notes
I wanted to watch football, and my wife wanted to watch the dog show. So we did what good couples do and compromised. On an unrelated note, this Mastiff’s jowls are majestic.
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells, bamboo, and shards of broken glass]
My husband bought 3 bottles of fancy wine to take to my parent’s house tomorrow so anyway long story short we are bringing 1 bottle of fancy wine to my parent’s house tomorrow.
i bet pilgrim wives were like fucking hell thanks for inventing another holiday where i have to do everything
My husband and I quietly switched sides of the bed without talking about it like a week ago and I’m not sure if we’re supposed to go to couples counseling but it feels weird that this happened.
It’s so cute how my husband gently presses on my foot as if it’s a break that will stop me from talking.
I bet when my husband asked me to marry him, he was eagerly picturing this moment, me walking around in old pajamas, muttering to myself, as I water 300 plants
me: will you please pass the bee barf?wife: please stop calling the honey that.
This is may be the last time you hear from me. I accidentally used one of the guest towels in the Powder Room. I’m packing a bag and running away before the wife gets home.
a wife is never more passive aggressive than when she says FYI the dishes in the dishwasher are clean
Treat people with kindness, you don’t know who’s working from home with a husband and kids underfoot today
Houdini’s greatest escape was easy compared to my husband and I trying to set me free from a tight dress and Spanx after Thanksgiving dinner and a few glasses of wine.
My husband’s office has an in person, all hands sales staff meeting at 3 o’clock. On the Wednesday before Thanksgiving. I’m not a lawyer but it feels like a hate crime.
[Bath & Body Works]Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.Me: I just need this one here.Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
Do that thing I like.Husband buys an extra pack of ibuprofen. Just in case we run out.
My wife complained that my Thanksgiving outfit was “ridiculous”, to “Dress like an adult” and the “Pants are embarrassing”. I wore a nice button-down, and I get that the pants were a little out there, but the inflatable Turkey pants costume from Amazon was Thanksgiving themed.
If my husband doesn’t want me laughing at him when he stubs his toe, he should try being less funny about it.
husband: *worrying*me: I don’t think you should worry about thathusband: well what should I worry about instead then
I’m sitting on the sofa next to my wife. She slowly puts an arm around me. I turn and she has the same passion in her passion in her eyes that was there when we were first married. “Willie, I’m trying to reach my phone. Can you hand it to me?”